Am I a Single Parent if We Share 50/50 Care?

“What took me years to understand is that shared parenting doesn’t make you half a parent. It doesn’t make the job half as hard either. It simply means the job is done differently.”

One of the things I struggled with after separation was how to describe myself. Was I a single parent?

It sounds like a simple question, but for me it wasn’t.

I felt I needed an easily understood description, particularly in the workplace. Otherwise, how else did I explain why I sometimes had to run out of the office at 3.00pm to make the 3.45pm bus stop pick-up? Why there wasn’t someone else who could collect the children if a meeting overran? Or why I needed advance warning if I was expected to work from a different office?

My children weren’t with me all the time, but when they were, I was the only parent available. My employer didn’t need to know my relationship status, they needed to understand the practical reality.

Still, ‘single parent’ didn’t feel quite right.

Like every couple, our separation was filled with heartache, pain and grief. Let’s face it: no one gets married and has children expecting it to end. It’s certainly not Plan A.

Despite everything, we both tried to be as fair and kind as our heartbreak allowed.

We both had careers, and the only way we’d managed to raise four children up to that point was by sharing the responsibility – financially, practically and emotionally.

We’d built our family on teamwork, and somehow that needed to continue. And, honestly, while equal shared care felt like a huge sacrifice, it was also fair as well as practical.

So from the outset, we embarked on 50/50 care.

Why I struggled with the label ‘single parent’

Once we’d settled into that new routine, I found myself facing an unexpected question: how did I describe myself? Because I had an ex-partner who was fully engaged and caring for the children half the time, could I really call myself a single parent? If not, what was I?

As 50/50 care seems to be becoming more common, I realised I wasn’t alone in asking that question. Modern families have changed, but many of the systems and even the language we use haven’t quite caught up. I realised that I, too, had an old-fashioned image of what a single parent looked like: one exhausted adult caring for the children almost all the time, with the other parent only occasionally involved.

That’s why I felt guilty calling myself a single parent.

I worried that doing so somehow diminished the experience of parents who shoulder almost all the care themselves. After all, there were plenty of days when their dad had the children, and he often helped me work around meetings and other work commitments.

Over time, though, I realised that, for me, ‘single parent’ still felt like the right description.

What does being a single parent mean when you share 50/50 care?

When the children are with me, there isn’t another adult sharing the responsibility. There isn’t someone else to remember the PE kit, stay home with a sick child, pick up the forgotten homework, or debate whether a teenager’s latest request is reasonable. The decisions are mine. The emotional load is mine. The practical load is mine.

And when the children are with their dad, I don’t stop being a parent. I still worry. I still think about them. I still coordinate, organise, plan and, occasionally, bite my tongue.

What took me years to understand is that shared parenting doesn’t make the job half as hard. If anything, there are times it can feel twice as hard. It certainly doesn’t make you half a parent. It simply means the job is done differently.

Perhaps the real problem is that modern families have evolved faster than the language we use to describe them. ‘Single parent’ conjures up an image of one exhausted adult carrying everything alone. ‘Co-parent’ describes the relationship with the other parent, but not necessarily the reality of day-to-day life.

So yes, today I’m comfortable describing myself as both a single parent and a co-parent. For me, the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

And if, like me, you’ve ever hesitated to use the term because your children spend half their time with an engaged and loving other parent, don’t feel guilty. Your experience is still valid.

You’re still carrying the responsibility, the love, the worry and the mental load. You’re just doing it across two homes.

And if you’re balancing all of that with a career, you’ll know that sharing care doesn’t make the logistics disappear. It simply changes them, and sometimes that’s exactly what makes modern co-parenting so challenging.